I'm Here for You . . . Kinda
Ministry is filled with at least four different kinds of relationships.
If, as a six-year old, you addressed your teacher the same way you addressed your dog, you soon learned that relationships are not all the same. In ministry, we juggle many kinds of relationships. How do we navigate them well and determine what’s appropriate to share with whom, when to maintain professional reserve and when to disclose personal opinions and emotions, and who receives a greater investment of our time?
While Jesus was the epitome of selflessness, he had a clear sense of how to invest (and not invest) in a relationship, even in ways that sometimes seem harsh or exclusive to us.
Generally, in ministry, most relationships will fall somewhere on the scale between “I’m here for you” and “You’re here for me.” While most relationships lie in the space between those two, first let’s look at those ends of the spectrum.
1. I’m here for you
Some folks in our communities just aren’t ready to bear others’ needs, either because they’re in a season of suffering, they’re not emotionally stable or spiritually mature, or they’re simply unsafe. To decide that we need to be there for them without expecting them to be there for us does not mean we’re better than them. Neither does it mean that we become God for them. It simply means that we understand it would be unkind or unreasonable to ask them to carry more than they can bear—for now.
In John 2:23-25 we see how Jesus made similar distinctions: “Many people saw the signs [Jesus] was performing and believed in his name. But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people. He did not need any testimony about mankind, for he knew what was in each person.” While this could be interpreted as cynicism, it reveals how Jesus understood what he could and couldn’t expect from certain people in his life.
It’s important to note that being here for someone doesn’t mean we’re aloof or condescending. Instead, we can ask: “How can I serve them best, even by letting them behind the scenes of my life, as much as they can handle it?”
Being here for someone doesn’t mean we never ask anything of them. If the hope is to encourage everyone to grow, how can we invite them to serve within their capacity? Being here for someone also doesn’t mean we always say yes to them. We do them a disservice if we teach them to rely entirely on us. The hope is to help them grow in their reliance on God and their availability to others.
Often these “I’m here for you” relationships are the ones that drive us closer to God. When people cannot support our needs, or when they’re unsafe and we cannot entrust ourselves to them, we have the greatest need to rely on the Lord to support us. Even to give us wisdom when to walk away.
2. You’re here for me
Just as in the “I’m here for you” category, few relationships fall entirely within this category. But in ministry, it’s important that we have relationships with a chosen few who don’t require anything of us. They may be counselors, mentors, or parent figures, and usually often they’re outside of the congregation.
As pastors, it’s easy for us to fill our lives with “I’m here for you” folks and leave this “You’re here for me” category empty. But we need people who can handle us at our worst, who allow us to vent without judgment, who let us be honest without concern for how it will affect others.
3. We’re here for each other
This is the space where most of our relationships lie. Every relationship will have its own unique give-and-take dynamics. Navigating this is an ongoing process as we learn about others and ourselves, and as seasons of growth and suffering come and go.
Although Jesus was undoubtedly the leader of his disciples, he called them friends (John 15:15). For him, this is not just a work relationship or a transaction. Almost everything that is transformative in our lives grows from relationship. This is also true with our ministries. But, as pastors, our ministries are also our job. How do we navigate these issues in ways that are healthy and helpful both for us and others involved in the ministries?
There are many factors we subconsciously take into account as we’re figuring out how to be here for each other, including age, spiritual/emotional maturity, leadership position, life circumstances, and degree of suffering experienced. In areas where someone exhibits strength, I am more likely to entrust myself to them, while also being sensitive to their weaknesses. If, for instance, Catherine has a strong marriage but is still hurting from a bad experience with church politics, I might be more likely to talk frankly with her about the challenges of marriage or ask her to lead a group for married couples but would avoid bringing her in behind the scenes of church leadership—for now. If Micah is a retired pastor whose child is being treated for leukemia, I might process ministry ideas with him but not put more stress or emotional weight on him than he can bear—for now.
As pastors, we generally have a hard time giving ourselves permission to need others. We feel pressure to be strong, confident, to always have answers.
There are healthy and unhealthy ways for us to need the folks in our communities. We find clarity through wrestling with questions like these: What is their capacity? Are we sharing our hearts in a way that is good for them? Are we over-sharing out of an unhealthy dependence on our congregation (and an absence of a trusted counselor or confidante)? If so, how can we be honest about our weakness and at the same time model that, as much as we need support and prayer from folks, ultimately, our dependence is on God?
On the other hand, are we withholding in a way that is good for our congregation? Do we under-share out of pride? In our under-sharing, do we deny the people in the congregation the opportunity to watch us wrestle with and develop our own faith? Could it be an opportunity to model what it looks like to need God, even in suffering or doubt? Are there ways that we actually minister to people when we genuinely need them to pray for us or encourage us?
Some of the most powerful times folks have grown in my community have come from moments when I wasn’t strong, when I left the meeting or service feeling dumb or weak, and it was only later that I saw how God had used my weakness. It may be that someone is challenged to step into leadership when they see that a leader needs support or partnership. And it may be that when we leaders let our need for God be seen, we model it for others. When we let folks in, behind the scenes, to see our heart for the lost, our yearning for the church to be healthy, our desire for someone to be healed, it may not feel like leadership, but we may teach others how to care for the right things, even though it’s uncomfortable for us.
As we see in Jesus’ relationship with his disciples, the more someone sacrificed and served, the closer he drew them. Those who serve or sacrifice most are those I draw more deeply into my life, letting them see my struggles and joys. It’s encouraging to notice that, while he taught multitudes, Jesus spent most of his ministry living closely with a group of just twelve, and especially his inner circle of three, showing them his heart, investing deeply in them as people.
4. We’re not here for each other (for now)
Sadly, there are a few relationships that don’t fall anywhere on this “I’m here for you/You’re here for me” spectrum. Hopefully this is not a situation we’ll find ourselves in often and, ideally, it’s temporary. When Jesus talks about “don’t cast your pearls before swine” and “wiping the dust off our feet,” it can sound harsh, like complete rejection. He may not be setting aside these folks forever, but he’s giving us permission to say, “I’ve done what I can; it’s time to walk away. But I will keep my heart open if they ever are receptive.” As we see in Romans 12:18, we are called to be at peace with everyone, as far as it depends on us. If we have reached out and the other person is not responsive, or we have established a boundary and they don’t respect it, we have permission to step back and trust God to work in that relationship.
The healthiest way to know how to “be here” for each other is to find our deepest dependence on God. While God’s desire is for his church to be a place where humans find communion with one another, his desire is that together we are learning to depend on him, not merely on each other. When human relationships disappoint us, it’s tempting to keep trying to find humans who can be our hope. Instead, in those moments when others let us down, we can remember that our ultimate hope lies in our relationship with the One who will never leave or disappoint. When we each find our foundation in the unchanging One, it relieves the pressure we put upon each other to be our God and frees our relationships to be human.
It would be nice if we had a magic formula which allowed us to see into each other’s hearts and know exactly what we can and can’t expect from each other. However, it’s in the daily engagement, the trial and error, the mess and forgiveness that we come to learn what is healthy and unhealthy. In this life of ongoing engagement with others, we will discover the beauty of a community that is dependent on one another but ultimately, together, dependent on the Father—the One who truly can say “I’m here for you.”
This article originally appeared on CTPastors.com and can be accessed here.